Do you ever feel like an imposter?
Like you are just living in someone else's life?
Putting on pretend smiles and fake emotions
and making your best attempt to live up to unspoken expectations?
It's what the past year has been like for me.
Like David putting on Saul's armor.
Awkward.
Noisy.
Uncomfortable.
Putting on their safety and comfort.
But deep inside - knowing that
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.
But,
I don't feel like I have any other options.
Why does God have me in this position?
In this place?
To learn from others?
Not likely.
To rely on Him?
Most likely.
I know that my feelings do not determine how God views me.
I know that He sees my heart and that I strive for being genuine-
Despite what others around me perceive.
Like David putting on Saul's armor,
I am taking it off.
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.
I am going to pick up my stones and my sling.
I am going to be genuine-
despite my feelings.
It is in that moment, that God can use me.
Even if I still feel like an imposter.
6.04.2013
5.08.2013
The Important Things
Seriously.
Some days I just feel like the WORST mom ever.
It's not even about what my child is doing right now.
He actually is being amazing this week.
It's all the OTHER mom stuff that I feel like I am failing at.
I had the BEST of intentions when school started back in August
to follow this amazing schedule for
cleaning,
laundry,
homework time,
workout routine,
etc.
And then February happened.
2 rainy weeks put my workout routine under wraps
(with my large, warm hoodie).
A long weekend away with some of my girls
piled the laundry higher than my forehead.
A non-stop 3 weeks of "something every night"
- even on the weekends -
put my
cleaning,
laundry,
homework,
the rest of my life SCHEDULE
on complete
HIATUS!
Fast-forward to May ...
and I am STILL trying to crawl out from the proverbial "rock" of chores.
I feel so overwhelmed by all of it.
It just never ends.
The last few weeks, I have been trying to convince myself of some things:
1. Cleaning can wait for a few more days -- even one week isn't terrible.
2. Laundry can stay clean and in baskets. It's not hurting a soul.
3. Sight words is enough right now.
4. You can work out this summer.
And honestly, what does having a clean house really say about me?
That I got it all together?
That I am one of those "perfect people"?
I mean, my house is never even CLOSE to cess-pool.
It's just not up to "MY" status of where I would PREFER it.
That is completely different.
And while I slave away on bathrooms and deep cleaning my baseboards,
what am I missing out on?
WELL - Tonight I would have missed out on catching a toad in my backyard with my son.
and exploring/explaining the differences between frogs and toads.
I would have missed watching his silky black hair shine
in the golden night sun
as the scent of honeysuckle wrapped around us.
I would have missed his silly squeal as the toad jumped out of his hands.
He will only be 5 once.
Heck -- I just realized that today he is actually 5 and 1/2.
And ya' know what?
That day only comes ONCE! IN OUR LIFETIMES!!
So am I okay with the fact that I haven't vacuumed since last week?
Yes.
Am I okay with the fact that I haven't wiped down my bathroom counter in more days than I care to count?
Absolutely.
You know why?
That moment in the backyard catching a toad with my son
is worth the dust on my baseboards, fans and end tables.
The moment where I can picture his sweet face giggling over the bumpy skin
is worth the 3 baskets of laundry sitting in my bedroom.
I just have to keep this perspective and realize that he won't think I am a great mom for keeping the house immaculate.
He will think I am a great mom for taking time to play with toads in the backyard.
And that is what I have to keep remembering ...
Some days I just feel like the WORST mom ever.
It's not even about what my child is doing right now.
He actually is being amazing this week.
It's all the OTHER mom stuff that I feel like I am failing at.
I had the BEST of intentions when school started back in August
to follow this amazing schedule for
cleaning,
laundry,
homework time,
workout routine,
etc.
And then February happened.
2 rainy weeks put my workout routine under wraps
(with my large, warm hoodie).
A long weekend away with some of my girls
piled the laundry higher than my forehead.
A non-stop 3 weeks of "something every night"
- even on the weekends -
put my
cleaning,
laundry,
homework,
the rest of my life SCHEDULE
on complete
HIATUS!
Fast-forward to May ...
and I am STILL trying to crawl out from the proverbial "rock" of chores.
I feel so overwhelmed by all of it.
It just never ends.
The last few weeks, I have been trying to convince myself of some things:
1. Cleaning can wait for a few more days -- even one week isn't terrible.
2. Laundry can stay clean and in baskets. It's not hurting a soul.
3. Sight words is enough right now.
4. You can work out this summer.
And honestly, what does having a clean house really say about me?
That I got it all together?
That I am one of those "perfect people"?
I mean, my house is never even CLOSE to cess-pool.
It's just not up to "MY" status of where I would PREFER it.
That is completely different.
And while I slave away on bathrooms and deep cleaning my baseboards,
what am I missing out on?
WELL - Tonight I would have missed out on catching a toad in my backyard with my son.
and exploring/explaining the differences between frogs and toads.
I would have missed watching his silky black hair shine
in the golden night sun
as the scent of honeysuckle wrapped around us.
I would have missed his silly squeal as the toad jumped out of his hands.
He will only be 5 once.
Heck -- I just realized that today he is actually 5 and 1/2.
And ya' know what?
That day only comes ONCE! IN OUR LIFETIMES!!
So am I okay with the fact that I haven't vacuumed since last week?
Yes.
Am I okay with the fact that I haven't wiped down my bathroom counter in more days than I care to count?
Absolutely.
You know why?
That moment in the backyard catching a toad with my son
is worth the dust on my baseboards, fans and end tables.
The moment where I can picture his sweet face giggling over the bumpy skin
is worth the 3 baskets of laundry sitting in my bedroom.
I just have to keep this perspective and realize that he won't think I am a great mom for keeping the house immaculate.
He will think I am a great mom for taking time to play with toads in the backyard.
And that is what I have to keep remembering ...
4.30.2013
Meal for a Princess
Why?
WHY?
WHY?!?!??
Why do we do this?
Maybe because we are human.
Maybe because we are weak.
Maybe because I needed some humbleness.
Whatever the reason -- I am asking WHY?
I have laid this big, black, ugly sin down.
I thought I had moved on.
I thought I was good.
It has been that sin -
that one -
that just-
Hoooooooooollllllddddssssss on to your heart.
Ya' know?
So I go along for awhile.
The urges die down.
I go about my life.
I begin to really move on.
And right when I think,
"Man! I am doing SO good!
This time I must really be over-over it!"
It comes back.
With a vengeance.
*POP!*
It's back!
So tonight, when I am fighting the urges, I hear:
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
Proverbs 26:11
I realize:
I have laid something down.
I have moved on from this sin that so easily entangles me.
There is NO REASON to return!
It is disgusting.
It has no nutrition.
It is waste.
Why would I feast on this imitation of a feast?
Why would I fest on this previously eaten meal?
WHY?
When I could be feasting on a full-course meal
that The Lord offers His children?
I am, afterall, a princess of The King.
What is a princess doing acting like a dog?
What is a princess doing crawling back to eat her vomit?
I will not be like a dog who returns
again and again
to a disgusting,
half-digested meal.
I want God's best.
I know that what I was looking at feeding my self
is NOT God's best -
much less fit for the meal of a Princess.
Lord, let me feast upon YOU!
WHY?
WHY?!?!??
Why do we do this?
Maybe because we are human.
Maybe because we are weak.
Maybe because I needed some humbleness.
Whatever the reason -- I am asking WHY?
I have laid this big, black, ugly sin down.
I thought I had moved on.
I thought I was good.
It has been that sin -
that one -
that just-
Hoooooooooollllllddddssssss on to your heart.
Ya' know?
So I go along for awhile.
The urges die down.
I go about my life.
I begin to really move on.
And right when I think,
"Man! I am doing SO good!
This time I must really be over-over it!"
It comes back.
With a vengeance.
*POP!*
It's back!
So tonight, when I am fighting the urges, I hear:
"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
Proverbs 26:11
I realize:
I have laid something down.
I have moved on from this sin that so easily entangles me.
There is NO REASON to return!
It is disgusting.
It has no nutrition.
It is waste.
Why would I feast on this imitation of a feast?
Why would I fest on this previously eaten meal?
WHY?
When I could be feasting on a full-course meal
that The Lord offers His children?
I am, afterall, a princess of The King.
What is a princess doing acting like a dog?
What is a princess doing crawling back to eat her vomit?
I will not be like a dog who returns
again and again
to a disgusting,
half-digested meal.
I want God's best.
I know that what I was looking at feeding my self
is NOT God's best -
much less fit for the meal of a Princess.
Lord, let me feast upon YOU!
4.07.2013
Doubt
I woke up today and felt grounded and sure of myself.
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.
On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.
I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."
But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.
A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.
As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.
My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.
Why do I ever doubt Him?
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.
On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.
I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."
But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.
A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.
As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.
My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.
Why do I ever doubt Him?
4.06.2013
Normal.
I got the results back and everything is
Normal.
In fact, everything about me is
Normal.
There is no reason that my body shouldn't be doing what I am supposed to be doing like
Normal.
Truth is -- I have never felt
Normal.
Nothing about my journey is or will ever be
Normal.
Weird, unexplainable, comfortable strangeness is my
Normal.
But it is my
Normal.
And now, poised on the cusp of choosing something that goes against my
Normal.
My
Normal.
Not
Normal.
So I am struggling with some choices given.
Normal.
I want to follow God, let Him choose my
Normal.
I want Him to define
Normal.
My
Normal.
His
Normal.
Normal.
Whatever that means ...
Normal.
In fact, everything about me is
Normal.
There is no reason that my body shouldn't be doing what I am supposed to be doing like
Normal.
Truth is -- I have never felt
Normal.
Nothing about my journey is or will ever be
Normal.
Weird, unexplainable, comfortable strangeness is my
Normal.
But it is my
Normal.
And now, poised on the cusp of choosing something that goes against my
Normal.
My
Normal.
Not
Normal.
So I am struggling with some choices given.
Normal.
I want to follow God, let Him choose my
Normal.
I want Him to define
Normal.
My
Normal.
His
Normal.
Normal.
Whatever that means ...
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