Doubt

I woke up today and felt grounded and sure of myself.
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.

On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.

I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."

But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.

A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.


As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.

My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.

Why do I ever doubt Him?