Imposter

Do you ever feel like an imposter?
Like you are just living in someone else's life?
Putting on pretend smiles and fake emotions
and making your best attempt to live up to unspoken expectations?
It's what the past year has been like for me.

Like David putting on Saul's armor.
Awkward.
Noisy.
Uncomfortable.
Putting on their safety and comfort.
But deep inside - knowing that
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.
But,
I don't feel like I have any other options.

Why does God have me in this position?
In this place?
To learn from others?
Not likely.

To rely on Him?
Most likely.

I know that my feelings do not determine how God views me.
I know that He sees my heart and that I strive for being genuine-
Despite what others around me perceive.

Like David putting on Saul's armor,
I am taking it off.
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.

I am going to pick up my stones and my sling.
I am going to be genuine-
despite my feelings.

It is in that moment, that God can use me.
Even if I still feel like an imposter.