Meal for a Princess

Why?
WHY?
WHY?!?!??
Why do we do this?

Maybe because we are human.
Maybe because we are weak.
Maybe because I needed some humbleness.
Whatever the reason -- I am asking WHY?


I have laid this big, black, ugly sin down.
I thought I had moved on.
I thought I was good.
It has been that sin -
that one -
that just-
Hoooooooooollllllddddssssss on to your heart.
Ya' know?

So I go along for awhile.
The urges die down.
I go about my life.
I begin to really move on.
And right when I think,
"Man! I am doing SO good!
This time I must really be over-over it!"
It comes back.
With a vengeance.

*POP!*
It's back!

So tonight, when I am fighting the urges, I hear:

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
Proverbs 26:11

I realize:
I have laid something down.
I have moved on from this sin that so easily entangles me.
There is NO REASON to return!
It is disgusting.
It has no nutrition.
It is waste.

Why would I feast on this imitation of a feast?
Why would I fest on this previously eaten meal?
WHY?
When I could be feasting on a full-course meal
that The Lord offers His children?
I am, afterall, a princess of The King.

What is a princess doing acting like a dog?
What is a princess doing crawling back to eat her vomit?

I will not be like a dog who returns
again and again
to a disgusting,
half-digested meal.

I want God's best.
I know that what I was looking at feeding my self
is NOT God's best -
much less fit for the meal of a Princess.

Lord, let me feast upon YOU!

Doubt

I woke up today and felt grounded and sure of myself.
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.

On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.

I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."

But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.

A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.


As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.

My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.

Why do I ever doubt Him?

Normal.

I got the results back and everything is
Normal.

In fact, everything about me is
Normal.

There is no reason that my body shouldn't be doing what I am supposed to be doing like
Normal.

Truth is -- I have never felt
Normal.

Nothing about my journey is or will ever be
Normal.

Weird, unexplainable, comfortable strangeness is my
Normal.

But it is my
Normal.

And now, poised on the cusp of choosing something that goes against my
Normal.

My
Normal.

Not
Normal.


So I am struggling with some choices given.
Normal.

I want to follow God, let Him choose my
Normal.

I want Him to define
Normal.

My
Normal.

His
Normal.

Normal.
Whatever that means ...