Patience

A few days ago, we were almost home.
My 2-year old, CTC, was asking for a snack and there was nothing in the car for him to eat.
We were 2 minutes from home. Literally.
He persisted in asking all 3 of us continuously and
he was specifically asking for "Pop-Tuuuurts".

My husband, who was driving, encouraged him that we were almost home and we would give him a snack then.
But, my little one wasn't having it.

I turned for a moment to look towards the road.
When I glanced back, I gasped.
My sweet little boy was finding bits of left-over snacks from his car seat and
cramming them into his mouth as quickly as he could.

"NOOO! NOOOO!!", I bellowed.
"That is NOT a snack! We are almost home!
JUST WAIT!"

He looked at me with all seriousness and said,
"No Mommy! You no talk to me anymore!"

After I got on to him for that comment and had him apologize, I couldn't let it go.
Not that I was mad at him -- because he is learning his boundaries as a toddler.
But it stuck with me because sometimes I act just like that with God.

God is telling me to wait - for just a few minutes.
He has something so awesome, but it is just not time yet.
And instead, I look around at what I have that is "good enough" and cram it in my mouth.
And then, when he tells me "No!" or "Wait!" - I get mad and refuse to talk with Him.

I don't know why I don't trust Him more.
I am such a toddler in my faith sometimes.
I prefer the instant gratification of week-old bits of Pop-Tarts to a freshly made meal from Him.
And as I sit there cramming the crusty snacks in my mouth, He shakes His head at me.
Not because I am a disappointment, because He obviously sees my limitations, but because I am missing out on His best.

Luckily, my 2-year old will grow up and learn patience.
And maybe one of these days, I will grow up and learn it too.

Happy Mother's Day

There were many days when I didn't think that I would ever be able to celebrate this day.
Doctors with medicine and well-intentioned folks
glossed over the deep, dark pain with sympathetic smiles and soft pats on the back.

There were years that I dreaded heading out on this day. B
itter tears would squeeze out as I swallowed that awful lump in my throat,
wondering if God really could hear my pleas and prayers.

There were many days I (stuipidly) questioned Him and asked Him to give me the Why?
BUT ----- little did I know that my life was on this amazing trajectory.

My life was set to be a beautifully, interwoven masterpiece with two of the most amazing ladies on the planet. T

hese two AMAZING Angels carried, delivered, trusted, and placed their precious bundles of such unbelievable joy
within this barren woman's arms.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't sit back in awe of these two Angel Moms who obeyed God,
through some of the darkest moments of their lives.
I would not be a Mom today,
without them.

I am continuously humbled
and extremely honored
to call them my son's Angel Moms.

I see these strong and brave women i
n little glimpses of my son's eyes or smiles.
It makes me happy --
to know that these Angel's strength and obedience to God
lies within my boy's blood and bones.

My boy's will honor them today, privately.
We are raising them to know
that God can take seemingly random people and thoughts, a
nd weave them together into something so beautiful,
it reaches beyond any human understanding.

My boys remind me that God weaves together broken pieces of our lives
and makes them truly beautiful.

Beauty from Ashes.
Peace from Despair.
Laughter from Sorrow.
He does it all.

Would you please help me honor these woman today?
Pray that the tears and throat lump and questions they may have today,
be replaced with peace.
That the sight of their baby growing up
will remind them that the path of their trajectory
and pieces of their life
are STILL being woven together as part of God's ultimate masterpiece.

Pray that they will see how honored I am to join my life with theirs,
in such an unexpected way.

That I would not want to hold hands at the table of Mother's Day
with any other women.

Hold you! Carry you!

I have a sweet two-year-old who is just learning to talk.
He is very much a Momma's boy and must be under my feet at all times,
which I adore because he doesn't want to go anywhere without me.

He is also getting to the age where he can start walking next to me when we go in public.
I slightly panic everytime we do this in a parking lot or busy store because I have a tendency to always think of all the dangers that are around.
But so far, it has gone just fine because I hold on real tight when we are out and about.

A few months back, we stood at the bottom of our stairs getting ready to ascend.
He reached upwards with his hands and said,
"Hold you!"
My heart melted.
His 9-year old brother had said the same thing around this age.
And I just love the phrase.

Tonight we stood on the top of the stairs to make our descent.
He reached towards me and said,
"Carry you!"
This time I chuckled.
"I wish!" I quietly muttered and laughed
as I hoisted my sweet-cheeked boy onto my hip.

As I bounced down the stairs,
I felt the voice of God whisper,
"You say that to me, you know."

I tucked that voice away and pondered the message as I mashed our potatoes and heated our peas.
I bathed and rocked and laid the babe down, I reminded the older one to finish his game and take a shower.
And then I paused and
I unpacked that voice.

"Carry you! Hold you!
"You say that to me, you know."

And oh my goodness,
I do!
I pray that
All.
The.
Time.

"LORD! Give me strength to hold on!"
"God! Give me strength to carry this load."
And on and on and on.

And it is always me doing the lifting, and carrying, and holding.
Apparently, even in my prayers, I try to be superwoman.

God brought to my remembrance a verse,
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, '
Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
I look again.

I never noticed that before.
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you,
'Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13

God holds my hand.
God holds MY hand.
God holds MY hand.

And it all starts fitting together, like pieces of a puzzle.

When we are in the parking lot or busy store, I am holding CTC's hand.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are going up the stairs, I am holding onto CTC.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are coming down the stairs, I am carrying CTC.
He is not the one doing the carrying.
I am.

I sigh.
I always think I am so awesome for holding on to
and helping carry
and for grasping real tight to the hand of God.

But, He has got me so much tighter.
He has me so much stronger.
He can carry me so much farther.

I smile.
I love that CTC thinks he is carrying me.
But, it is not what reality is.
I know that God loves that we think we are carrying our loads.
But, it is not reality.

He holds our hands.
He carries us.

In parking lots,
and busy stores,
and stairs with no gates on them,
I can see dangers that CTC is not even aware of.
So it is with God.

God holds on to us so tight, because he sees all that could hurt us.
He gives us boundaries because he knows the dangers that could beset us.
He holds us
and carries us
and that is how he protects us.

What a Good Father He is.
The best there is.

And I love how two words from my baby boy
can speak to me in unimaginable ways
of how good of a Father
God truly is.

Worth the Wait

Every day this week, my Timehop app has put pictures from 2 years ago today directly before me.
And each day, I sit in utter disbelief at how unknowing I was.
We had no idea how much our lives would change, in just a few short days.

The waiting for baby #2 wasn't as painful and achingly void as waiting for baby #1.
But, there was still pain.

And even though I can't see it on my perfectly poised Social Media pictures.
I know, that it was there,
Right below the surface.

Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And on Friday, the 13th,
at 13 minutes to midnight,
in our 13th year of marriage,
our miracle was born.
13 hours later,
we received a phone call.

I scribbled the words on a piece of paper,
so my husband could see,
"baby boy -
born last night -
healthy!"

3 hours later,
I looked into this sweet baby's face and knew,
he was our son.

That night, we rushed around and pulled things from the attic.
Onesies and crib sheets.
Blankets and bottles.
We assembled a crib.
We dashed to Sam's for
diapers,
wipes, and
formula.

48 hours after the phone call,
we brought him home.
We were waiting no more.

Women who have birthed children tell me
that once they look into their sweet baby's face,
they forget all the pain.
So it is with me.

I would wait every day over again --
in a heartbeat --
to have CTC in our lives.
He came at the PERFECT time for our family.

So, I want to encourage those who are still waiting.

Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.

But -- do not let it change who you know God is.
He hears you.
He acknowledges you.
He is moving.
Though slower than we would like,
and at times in unexpectedly different ways.
But God is
who He has always been,
and will continue to be.

His plan is
always
worth
the wait.

Trust

I sat in my baby's room tonight bawling my eyes out.
Some of it is exhaustion.
Some of it just being me.
But most of it -- in utter disbelief that he is here.

I cried and prayed and waited for that baby.
FOR. YEARS!!

I never imagined he would come to us
in 48 hours
unannounced.

I still am blown away
at God's
plan,
provision,
and
purpose
in doing that to our family.

I said it to my friend the other night,
"It's almost as if God had to keep
CTC hidden from everyone's radar
until
just
the
right
moment.

It's almost as if he didn't want
ANYONE to know
CTC was coming.
Not even us.

Maybe so that we could trust Him more.
Maybe so the Devil and his evil plans
wouldn't mess it up."

I don't know.
But whatever it was.
It was the Lord.
100%.
More convinced now, than I was then.

2015 Wrap-Up

So I haven't put anything on here in awhile.
I think once I started Grad School -- any creativity I needed to let out in a constant and steady stream,
was forcibly
squeezed into making any projects and papers
sound like they weren't written by a
super exhausted teacher/mom/wife
who was piecing them together
after 10 pm.

But this year deserves a punctuation at the end.
It deserves some recognition.
This was (by far) my most amazing year to date.
Right behind 2007.
This isn't going to be a super cute post -- or even clever one.
It will remain here as an Ebenezer of what GOD has done!
I don't want to forget that in 2015 ...
Each month brought some piece of God's grace.
A PROMISE coming into reality.
A shaking of head and almost disbelief that yet another good thing was really happening.

JANUARY:
MTM decided to truly and wholly commit his Heart to the Lord.
This unexpected event happened on a random Sunday Evening while I was hanging laundry in his closet.
We had an hour long discussion about the tabernacle, the old covenant, the new covenant, WHY Jesus' blood is different,
and a host of other deep Spiritual truths.
Once he had his answers, he prayed.
And since then -- he has truly been a new creation.

FEBRUARY:
THEE Valentine's Day phone call that there was a baby boy awaiting us at the hospital.
The first time I held him in my arms, I fell in love.
The first time I held him, I knew his name.
The first time I held him, I knew his place was with our family.
And in exactly 48 hours from the first phone call, he was in our home with us.
My brain was a scrambled egg -- but my heart and spirit was never so sure of something.
CTC entered our family.

MARCH:
The Lacy Family became an official Family of 4.
Life has never been the same.
How Sweet it is!
I have eaten my share of Chocolate this year to remind myself of God's sweetness.

APRIL:
Brizzle started interviewing for his replacement so he could move into a new position!
I started applying for new jobs to become a School Library Media Specialist!
We both were searching and knew that we were ready for the next step in our careers.

MAY:
Brizzle officially transitioned to his new position.
He finally came into his own.
It reminded me of the the moment where Joseph takes his rightful place in Pharoh's palace.
I could have never imagined how God would work this journey out for Brizzle.
There have been so many times that I didn't know how it would all pan out.
But it did.
And God has used Brizzle in so many ways.

ALSO: I celebrated my Teacher of the Year nomination at a fancy shmancy banquet.
And got a plaque.
And got a new dress.
And red shoes.

JUNE:
I interviewed and accepted a position as a new School Library Media Specialist.
All of the hard work had paid off.
New Job.
New Opportunity!
I had never been so shocked and excited about a job in my ENTIRE life!

JULY:
MTM's well that he raised over $1,100 for was installed in Guatemala.
Our family went on a 2-week long vacay.
1 week in Michigan.
1 week in Vegas/Hoover Dam/Grand Canyon/Phoenix.

AUGUST:
MTM was accepted into the school that we had been on the waiting list for awhile.
It is one of the best schools in the area.
And it's Christ-based.
Even better.

SEPTEMBER:
My niece (miracle baby #3 for my brother/sis-in-law) was born!

OCTOBER:
CTC was accepted into the daycare that is a part of MTM's school! Easier pick-up and drop-off!
This also gives us the opportunity to put him directly into Kindergarten with no wait!!!


NOVEMBER:
I passed the Exam needed to maintain the position at my new school media center!
This lets me keep doing what I am doing and allows me to get paid more for the position! HOTCHA!!!

DECEMBER:
I graduated with a 4.0 and a Master's Degree!
Something I never thought I would get/knew I wanted!

And that pretty much summed it up.
It's truly a testament and Ebenezer to God's faithfulness in my life
-- even when I was faithless about some of these items.
God's good. Even when we aren't.
God's faithful. Even when we lose faith.
His plans will happen.
His hands will work things out.
He is amazing.
He is astonishing.
I am so glad He is my God.
My father.
My everything.

Mountain Promises

Weary warrior, rest your head.
Dusty traveler, sleep instead.

Wait and see what I will do.
Ready to restore and renew.

Seeds of hope planted long ago--
Taking an extraordinary time to grow.

Impenetrable walls will crumble and fall.
Praise and Thanksgiving will be your new song.

Drop your sword.
Follow Lion's lead.

Journey on,
your will concede.

Mountain Paths and dark, night caves
will get you through your longest days.

Persistence, Patience,
That is key.

Ever, upward,
rely on Me.

Wolves in Sheep Clothing.

Wolves.
Clothed in a wooly cloak of false humility.
Their words say they are part of His flock.
You want to believe it.
But something isn't quite right.

In a moment,
they turn on you.

Leaving you
bloodied,
broken,
blindsided.

But I hold on to Christ.
My Shepherd.
Knowing that HE can see the wolves.
He will heal my wounds.
He will guard me,
warn me,
keep vigilance over me.

Sheep rest.
Content with the Shepherd.
Not concerned
with
Wolves,
in Sheep's clothing.

Colossians 2

Beware of Requirements Invented by Humans

"8 Be careful not to let anyone rob you of this faith
through a shallow and
misleading philosophy.
Such a person follows
human traditions and the
world’s way of doing things
rather than following Christ.

9 All of God lives in Christ’s body,
10 and God has made you complete in Christ.
Christ is in charge of every ruler and authority.

18 Let no one who delights in false humility and
the worship of angels
tell you that you don’t deserve a prize.
Such a person,
whose sinful mind fills him with arrogance,
gives endless details of the visions he has seen.

19 He doesn’t hold on to Christ,
the head.
Christ makes the whole body grow
as God wants it to,
through support and unity
given by the joints and ligaments.

20 If you have died with Christ
to the world’s way of doing things,
why do you let others tell you how to live?

23 These things look like wisdom
with their self-imposed worship,
false humility, and
harsh treatment of the body.

But they have no value for
holding back the
constant
desires of your
corrupt
nature"
God's Word Translation

Some People Gotta Learn the Hard Way

Forest of Doubt.

I am in a dark forest.
Still on a small, dirt path.

Large pine trees tower overhead.
Wild animals chatter.
Sticks crackle under my feet.
Briars scrape across my skin.
Darkness encloses around me.
I can see a few feet around me.
I am alone.

And I wonder ...
Will this ever end?
Am I lost?
I don't know if this is the right way.
How can this be the right way?

Doubt settles in.
I can't see the light.
I can't see the way.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
I feel like I won't ever make it out.
I will forever be in this dark
Forest of Doubt.

Days go by.
I look ahead.
I think I see a sliver of light,
Shining onto the path.
It is!
It is a lone ray of beautiful and majestic sunlight.
A ray of hope that spreads across the path ahead.
And I remember that He is with me ...

This will end.
I am not lost.
This is the right way.
I am not alone.
I will make it out of this
Forest of Doubt.

Beyond the Forest of Doubt lies the Meadow of Hope.
The Meadow of Hope reaches towards the Mountain of Realized Promises.

If I get through this doubt,
if I hold on and walk with hope,
I can reach my Promise.
My promise!

So, even though I am still in this dark forest, and
still on a small, dirt path with
large pine trees overhead and
wild animal chatter and
sticks crackling and
briars scraping and
darkness all around me.

I have hope.
A small, sliver from a lone ray of sunlight on my path.

I trust what lies ahead.
This is not the end.
I am not lost.
This is the right way.
I am not alone.

I WILL make it out of this
Forest of Doubt.

Ash

The End.

Flesh turns to ashes.
Small,
fine,
dusty,
black
pile of ash.
What remains.

A steady
wind
blows.
A slow,
quiet
wind.
Ashes join the sky.
Gone.
What remains?

Beautiful,
exquisite
jewels.
Ornate designs.
Breathtaking colors.
Indescribable details.
What remains!

Only uncovered
once the end comes.
When we understand what truly matters.
When we see what He has always seen.



Lord, let me not despise this burning fire of refinement.
Whatever you need to burn away within me, do it.
Let my heart have more worth than ash.
More purpose than plain dust.

Transition

In the last year we have had a major life transition. 

I think when the transition happened ... 

What those we left felt, 

we felt too. 

We have never been more unsure of the why behind the move and the timing and ... Pretty much everything. 

It was one of those times where God was giving B and I a task that neither of us was looking for, praying about, or desiring. 

We had a choice: obedience or disobedience. 

And believe me, I went kicking and screaming and cursing ... In the direction of obedience. 

It wasn't pretty ... 

And I am pretty sure God and I haven't had our last conversation about it yet ... 

Even a year later. 

The place we were had been our support and deep friendship for basically our entire marriage. 

A decade of comforts was being removed in a span of a few weeks. 

It sucked ... 

Hard. 

But there were friends around that I needed. 

I knew they cared, 

I knew they were thinking about me - 

but they also gave me space. 

It was great.

Whenever you leave a ministry, you have to step back and let it go and grow without you. 

If not, people either think you are meddling or can't let go. 

So in some ways - B and I drew back too because we knew we had to. 

We didnt want people to think we were still trying to be influential in where we had been and have anyone get the wrong idea. 

Plus- if we didnt back away from it, then getting settled in our new place would have been near impossible. (And honestly, it still was for a loooong time).

I think the last year has been one of the most confusing times in my walk with The Lord in about every which way I look. 

I don't know what he is doing or why he is doing it. 

He just is. 

The one thing B and I have learned this year is that God's desire for obedience trumps everything else: our egos, 

our plans, 

our pride, 

our comforts, 

our wishes, 

our hopes, 

our promises, 

our friendships, 

our ministries, etc. 

It's the hardest lesson I am learning yet. 

There are a lot of things about our ministry that I miss ... 

the people and spirit of togetherness. 

The genuine and caring spirit. 

But, obedience trumps us.

And so we press on and try not to question His reasonings. 

Barren Land

Habakkuk 3:17-18

GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

17 Even if the fig tree does not bloom
and the vines have no grapes,
even if the olive tree fails to produce
and the fields yield no food,
even if the sheep pen is empty
and the stalls have no cattle—
18 even then,
I will be happy with the Lord.
I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.

Distant

The struggle for obedience when faith is weak drains me.

It's truly the first time in my life I am left-
puzzled.

I don't know what God is choosing to do right now.
Nor the reason why.
I am okay with that for right now.
I think.

But there were so many whispers that the outcome would be different.
That somehow, my faith WOULD move that mountain.
My mustard seed would be the deciding factor between here and there.
And it wasn't.

It didn't do it.
The "name-it-and-claim-it" formula didn't work.
But was I really surprised?
Have I ever truly thought I could will something to happen?
Not in this life.
Not with my record.

And yet, I am still puzzled that it really didn't work.
That I am left here empty.
That I am broken.
So much.
That I feel unwhole and inhuman and even






distant








from my faith.
Not necessarily my faith in God.
Just my faith's ability in general.

So it's this messy, ugly, swirl of emotions that comes and goes with the passing hours.

I struggle to force a smile and go about my day-
with this massive disconnect between my faith
and my feelings.

I am hoping soon I can render my heart complete and human and close to my faith.
But until then ... I sit, puzzled, sensitive, hurting, drained.

Summer

Tonight is my favorite night of the year. 

The sun pulls its super long rays 

slowly across the lawn

Well past its normal bedtime.

Long after the boy has been tucked away in his bed

With fresh washed hair

A chapter or two read

Blessings and prayers and "Love You"s said.

The insects and birds still sing.

The nighttime hush and soft black quiet

Are kept at bay for just a few extra moments.

And I feel God here.

In this quiet pause before the

Summer beginnings.

Today is a new beginning.

A new season.

A time of change.

Not only in the physical realm -

But in my actual life.

So many things changed today-

On this day of new beginnings-

It is hard to wrap my head around it.

But I pause - and thank God.

He is the author of new beginnings,

New seasons,

New life.

And my heart's cry yearns continuously-

"Lord, I belong to You!

Forever, I belong to You!"

To Him all blessings Flow.

In this Summer season, let my heart never forget that.

Faith

It's so weird when God actually preps you for news you weren't expecting.

I woke up today with my alarm blaring a message from Charles Stanley.
His baritone voice echoed in my head as I pressed the off button,
"God WILL fulfill His promises!"
That is all I heard of Charles' carefully prepped sermon.

I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stumbled to the bathroom.
I repeated it in a hushed whisper to myself.
I let it soak in during my shower.
I repeated it to myself in the mirror while I applied my last bit of mascara.
Then I got in my car.

A beautiful worship song about how God loves us,
despite what our circumstances say,
played on the radio.

I laughed.
He was really trying to talk to me this morning.
I better listen.

I kept repeating Charles' words and prayed
that God would help me to believe.
That my faith would remain.

I clung to a verse about faith
that the Lord had given me in church the day before.
(Of course, He did!)

That is what I needed to have today.
Faith.
Despite what Dr.'s said.
Despite what my circumstances said.
Despite what lies the Devil would try to throw at me
in my lonely places.

When the news came and wasn't the good news I had expected,
I repeated Charles' carefully spoken words.
I hummed a few measures of the song I had heard.
I emphasized the verse in my head to soothe my disappointed heart.

After I was home for awhile and had let everything settle,
I looked at the verse in Hebrews 11.
That chapter is the start of the "Heroes of Faith" chapter.
People in the Bible who did amazing acts of Faith and who
trusted God in crazy circumstances.

It begins out:

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the confidence of things not seen."

That was my verse I needed yesterday.
But the next one is what I needed today.

"This is what the ancients were commended for."

Waaaaaittt ... hold up!
They weren't commended for their acts of valor and courage?
They weren't commended for defeating armies and conquering enemies of God?

Nope!
Having an assurance of things hoped for and a confidence in things not seen -
THIS was their faith commendation.
THIS is MY faith commendation.
THIS is OUR faith commendation!

How humbling. How freeing. How unexpected.
What amazing news!!

Imposter

Do you ever feel like an imposter?
Like you are just living in someone else's life?
Putting on pretend smiles and fake emotions
and making your best attempt to live up to unspoken expectations?
It's what the past year has been like for me.

Like David putting on Saul's armor.
Awkward.
Noisy.
Uncomfortable.
Putting on their safety and comfort.
But deep inside - knowing that
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.
But,
I don't feel like I have any other options.

Why does God have me in this position?
In this place?
To learn from others?
Not likely.

To rely on Him?
Most likely.

I know that my feelings do not determine how God views me.
I know that He sees my heart and that I strive for being genuine-
Despite what others around me perceive.

Like David putting on Saul's armor,
I am taking it off.
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.

I am going to pick up my stones and my sling.
I am going to be genuine-
despite my feelings.

It is in that moment, that God can use me.
Even if I still feel like an imposter.

The Important Things

Seriously.
Some days I just feel like the WORST mom ever.

It's not even about what my child is doing right now.
He actually is being amazing this week.
It's all the OTHER mom stuff that I feel like I am failing at.

I had the BEST of intentions when school started back in August
to follow this amazing schedule for
cleaning,
laundry,
homework time,
workout routine,
etc.

And then February happened.
2 rainy weeks put my workout routine under wraps
(with my large, warm hoodie).
A long weekend away with some of my girls
piled the laundry higher than my forehead.
A non-stop 3 weeks of "something every night"
- even on the weekends -
put my
cleaning,
laundry,
homework,
the rest of my life SCHEDULE
on complete
HIATUS!


Fast-forward to May ...
and I am STILL trying to crawl out from the proverbial "rock" of chores.
I feel so overwhelmed by all of it.
It just never ends.

The last few weeks, I have been trying to convince myself of some things:
1. Cleaning can wait for a few more days -- even one week isn't terrible.
2. Laundry can stay clean and in baskets. It's not hurting a soul.
3. Sight words is enough right now.
4. You can work out this summer.

And honestly, what does having a clean house really say about me?
That I got it all together?
That I am one of those "perfect people"?
I mean, my house is never even CLOSE to cess-pool.
It's just not up to "MY" status of where I would PREFER it.
That is completely different.
And while I slave away on bathrooms and deep cleaning my baseboards,
what am I missing out on?

WELL - Tonight I would have missed out on catching a toad in my backyard with my son.
and exploring/explaining the differences between frogs and toads.
I would have missed watching his silky black hair shine
in the golden night sun
as the scent of honeysuckle wrapped around us.
I would have missed his silly squeal as the toad jumped out of his hands.

He will only be 5 once.
Heck -- I just realized that today he is actually 5 and 1/2.
And ya' know what?
That day only comes ONCE! IN OUR LIFETIMES!!

So am I okay with the fact that I haven't vacuumed since last week?
Yes.
Am I okay with the fact that I haven't wiped down my bathroom counter in more days than I care to count?
Absolutely.

You know why?
That moment in the backyard catching a toad with my son
is worth the dust on my baseboards, fans and end tables.
The moment where I can picture his sweet face giggling over the bumpy skin
is worth the 3 baskets of laundry sitting in my bedroom.

I just have to keep this perspective and realize that he won't think I am a great mom for keeping the house immaculate.
He will think I am a great mom for taking time to play with toads in the backyard.

And that is what I have to keep remembering ...

Meal for a Princess

Why?
WHY?
WHY?!?!??
Why do we do this?

Maybe because we are human.
Maybe because we are weak.
Maybe because I needed some humbleness.
Whatever the reason -- I am asking WHY?


I have laid this big, black, ugly sin down.
I thought I had moved on.
I thought I was good.
It has been that sin -
that one -
that just-
Hoooooooooollllllddddssssss on to your heart.
Ya' know?

So I go along for awhile.
The urges die down.
I go about my life.
I begin to really move on.
And right when I think,
"Man! I am doing SO good!
This time I must really be over-over it!"
It comes back.
With a vengeance.

*POP!*
It's back!

So tonight, when I am fighting the urges, I hear:

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."
Proverbs 26:11

I realize:
I have laid something down.
I have moved on from this sin that so easily entangles me.
There is NO REASON to return!
It is disgusting.
It has no nutrition.
It is waste.

Why would I feast on this imitation of a feast?
Why would I fest on this previously eaten meal?
WHY?
When I could be feasting on a full-course meal
that The Lord offers His children?
I am, afterall, a princess of The King.

What is a princess doing acting like a dog?
What is a princess doing crawling back to eat her vomit?

I will not be like a dog who returns
again and again
to a disgusting,
half-digested meal.

I want God's best.
I know that what I was looking at feeding my self
is NOT God's best -
much less fit for the meal of a Princess.

Lord, let me feast upon YOU!

Doubt

I woke up today and felt grounded and sure of myself.
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.

On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.

I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."

But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.

A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.


As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.

My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.

Why do I ever doubt Him?