Barren Land

Habakkuk 3:17-18

GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

17 Even if the fig tree does not bloom
and the vines have no grapes,
even if the olive tree fails to produce
and the fields yield no food,
even if the sheep pen is empty
and the stalls have no cattle—
18 even then,
I will be happy with the Lord.
I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.

Distant

The struggle for obedience when faith is weak drains me.

It's truly the first time in my life I am left-
puzzled.

I don't know what God is choosing to do right now.
Nor the reason why.
I am okay with that for right now.
I think.

But there were so many whispers that the outcome would be different.
That somehow, my faith WOULD move that mountain.
My mustard seed would be the deciding factor between here and there.
And it wasn't.

It didn't do it.
The "name-it-and-claim-it" formula didn't work.
But was I really surprised?
Have I ever truly thought I could will something to happen?
Not in this life.
Not with my record.

And yet, I am still puzzled that it really didn't work.
That I am left here empty.
That I am broken.
So much.
That I feel unwhole and inhuman and even






distant








from my faith.
Not necessarily my faith in God.
Just my faith's ability in general.

So it's this messy, ugly, swirl of emotions that comes and goes with the passing hours.

I struggle to force a smile and go about my day-
with this massive disconnect between my faith
and my feelings.

I am hoping soon I can render my heart complete and human and close to my faith.
But until then ... I sit, puzzled, sensitive, hurting, drained.

Summer

Tonight is my favorite night of the year. 

The sun pulls its super long rays 

slowly across the lawn

Well past its normal bedtime.

Long after the boy has been tucked away in his bed

With fresh washed hair

A chapter or two read

Blessings and prayers and "Love You"s said.

The insects and birds still sing.

The nighttime hush and soft black quiet

Are kept at bay for just a few extra moments.

And I feel God here.

In this quiet pause before the

Summer beginnings.

Today is a new beginning.

A new season.

A time of change.

Not only in the physical realm -

But in my actual life.

So many things changed today-

On this day of new beginnings-

It is hard to wrap my head around it.

But I pause - and thank God.

He is the author of new beginnings,

New seasons,

New life.

And my heart's cry yearns continuously-

"Lord, I belong to You!

Forever, I belong to You!"

To Him all blessings Flow.

In this Summer season, let my heart never forget that.

Faith

It's so weird when God actually preps you for news you weren't expecting.

I woke up today with my alarm blaring a message from Charles Stanley.
His baritone voice echoed in my head as I pressed the off button,
"God WILL fulfill His promises!"
That is all I heard of Charles' carefully prepped sermon.

I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stumbled to the bathroom.
I repeated it in a hushed whisper to myself.
I let it soak in during my shower.
I repeated it to myself in the mirror while I applied my last bit of mascara.
Then I got in my car.

A beautiful worship song about how God loves us,
despite what our circumstances say,
played on the radio.

I laughed.
He was really trying to talk to me this morning.
I better listen.

I kept repeating Charles' words and prayed
that God would help me to believe.
That my faith would remain.

I clung to a verse about faith
that the Lord had given me in church the day before.
(Of course, He did!)

That is what I needed to have today.
Faith.
Despite what Dr.'s said.
Despite what my circumstances said.
Despite what lies the Devil would try to throw at me
in my lonely places.

When the news came and wasn't the good news I had expected,
I repeated Charles' carefully spoken words.
I hummed a few measures of the song I had heard.
I emphasized the verse in my head to soothe my disappointed heart.

After I was home for awhile and had let everything settle,
I looked at the verse in Hebrews 11.
That chapter is the start of the "Heroes of Faith" chapter.
People in the Bible who did amazing acts of Faith and who
trusted God in crazy circumstances.

It begins out:

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the confidence of things not seen."

That was my verse I needed yesterday.
But the next one is what I needed today.

"This is what the ancients were commended for."

Waaaaaittt ... hold up!
They weren't commended for their acts of valor and courage?
They weren't commended for defeating armies and conquering enemies of God?

Nope!
Having an assurance of things hoped for and a confidence in things not seen -
THIS was their faith commendation.
THIS is MY faith commendation.
THIS is OUR faith commendation!

How humbling. How freeing. How unexpected.
What amazing news!!

Imposter

Do you ever feel like an imposter?
Like you are just living in someone else's life?
Putting on pretend smiles and fake emotions
and making your best attempt to live up to unspoken expectations?
It's what the past year has been like for me.

Like David putting on Saul's armor.
Awkward.
Noisy.
Uncomfortable.
Putting on their safety and comfort.
But deep inside - knowing that
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.
But,
I don't feel like I have any other options.

Why does God have me in this position?
In this place?
To learn from others?
Not likely.

To rely on Him?
Most likely.

I know that my feelings do not determine how God views me.
I know that He sees my heart and that I strive for being genuine-
Despite what others around me perceive.

Like David putting on Saul's armor,
I am taking it off.
It's not me.
It's not what I want to be.
It's not what I was even really asked to be.

I am going to pick up my stones and my sling.
I am going to be genuine-
despite my feelings.

It is in that moment, that God can use me.
Even if I still feel like an imposter.