Doubt

I woke up today and felt grounded and sure of myself.
Somewhere between here and where we traveled -- I lost my step.

On the way back home, I told B I felt "scattered, unsure, and insecure".
All of my choices seemed strange and foreign and not right.
I was "what-if-ing" my entire life course.
I yearned to feel peace and the sure footing I had felt mere hours earlier.
But I didn't.

I looked up at the sun rays peering through the fluffy clouds and silently whispered to God.
"Talk to me. Do SOMETHING so I know you are there. I want to know you are there."

But before I could even finish the words, I knew He was.
Even if I couldn't sense Him, He was there.
Holding my hand and listening to me worry.

A few hours ago, I had been talking about how much I trust Him.
And here I was -- doubting Him.
I am so much like Peter in the Bible -- doubting -- even though He is standing right there in the midst of my storm.
He is calm and collected, waiting for me to realize that He never left.
It is my faith that grew weak.
My eyes that grew dim.
My heart that failed to trust.


As we turned off the final exit and the familiar-ness of home settled over me, my worry settled.
My world righted itself again and I breathed a little better.

My choices have been right.
We have done what we were supposed to do.
God is happy with us and where we are.

Why do I ever doubt Him?

Normal.

I got the results back and everything is
Normal.

In fact, everything about me is
Normal.

There is no reason that my body shouldn't be doing what I am supposed to be doing like
Normal.

Truth is -- I have never felt
Normal.

Nothing about my journey is or will ever be
Normal.

Weird, unexplainable, comfortable strangeness is my
Normal.

But it is my
Normal.

And now, poised on the cusp of choosing something that goes against my
Normal.

My
Normal.

Not
Normal.


So I am struggling with some choices given.
Normal.

I want to follow God, let Him choose my
Normal.

I want Him to define
Normal.

My
Normal.

His
Normal.

Normal.
Whatever that means ...

With me

The last week has been one of the strangest weeks.
I am waiting for some randomly taken test results.

I really don't think there will be a bad outcome.
But there is always second-guessing.
So here I sit.
At times a complete head-case.
I waffle between having complete and total peace
and being on the brink of panic.

In my moments of panic, I am in my bed, crying and fretting;
On the phone, talking with my family;
nibbling my fingernails;
meandering through the internet to "escape".

But in my moments of peace -- it goes so much deeper.
My moments of peace are full of God.
He is there.
With me.

I remember:
God has promised so much to me and I believe Him.
I trust Him.
From the depths of my heart --
I trust him more than anything else that exists.
He has always been there.
With me.

I really do believe
that even if all collapses around me,
He will be there in the rubble,
directing me how to pick up the broken pieces of my life.
He will be there.
With me.

One thing I learned while going through all my infertility
is that I am not supposed to question God.
His plans are always greater than ours.
His plans are always better than ours.
His plans are always so much more amazing than ours.
Ironically, my son's name means "Who is Like God?"
(To which I always reply, "Apparently not me!")
He was there all the time.
With me.

As I sat in the waiting room this week,
waiting for the initial procedure,
I pictured God,
With me.

As I was in the room,
being poked and prodded,
I knew he was there,
With me.

As I got home,
in pain,
I felt God,
With me.

No matter what happens,
He was there.
He is there.
He will be there.
With me.



Psalm 73:23-28

23 Yet, I am always with you.
You hold on to my right hand.
24 With your advice you guide me,
and in the end you will take me to glory.
25 As long as I have you,
I don’t need anyone else in heaven or on earth.
26 My body and mind may waste away,
but God remains the foundation of my life
and my inheritance forever.
27 Without a doubt, those who are far from you will die.
You destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 Being united with God is my highest good.
I have made the Almighty Lord my refuge
so that I may report everything that he has done.

You Can Have It All

MTM and I were driving in the car.
I was sipping a latte and he was nibbling on a doughnut.

"Can I have some of your doughnut?" I asked.
"Here you go, Mommy! You can have all of this piece."

I looked at my piece and smiled.
It was a little more than one bite.

God nudged me.
"That's how I look at you sometimes."
I nodded in agreement.

There we sit with a huge doughnut --
that God bought for us.
Because he loves us.

He asks us for some.
We give him one bite ... or maybe a bit more.
We think we are being awesome.
We think we are wowing him.

He sees how much we have been given --
and how much we give back to him.

And, not that I needed it -- but how cool would it have been if MTM would have offered the WHOLE doughnut?
I, obviously, wouldn't have taken it all.
But - just the willingness would have been enough.

In the next moment, I looked back at MTM.
He was smiling so sweetly at me.
Intently watching me enjoy my bite.
I knew he had the best of intentions when he gave.
He really was giving his best.

God also nudged me in that moment that he knows our hearts.
He knows we are mere children.

He knows that when we offer that one bite - being sincere
(like MTM's sweet smile truly was),
the offering is still acceptable and accepted.

But how pleased would God be if we offered him everything?
Not that he would ever take it --
But - I bet that just our willingness would be more than enough for Him.

Funny Sayings of MTM - lately

In no particular order:

One Morning:
M: Daddy, I had an accident and peed in my bed.
B: That's okay, we can clean it up.
M: Daddy, I also peed in my pajamas.
B: Okay. We can get that too.
M: But Daddy - I didn't pee on my socks.


Bedtime Prayers:
"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my family and that Jesus loves me. Amen."

"Dear God - Love you and thank you that I have a good mom and a good dad. Amen."

"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my parents ... annnnnnnnd pants. Love you, Amen."

To me and B:
"Guys - we need to pray for our next baby. We need to have a girl. Because I want a sister. But also -- because there are already two boys and there needs to be two girls. And then we need to get a girl dog for Tucker."


A conversation between him and his cousin, who is a 4 year old girl:
M: "E - do you want to get married when we grow up?"
E: "Ummm ... no."
M: "Why?"
E: "Well ... because then we would have to kiss and stuff."
M: "That's okay. That is what married people do."
E: "EWWWWWWWWW!
M and E: (giggle, giggle)
E: "Plus then I wouldn't live with my family."
M: "Well, we could buy a house right next to your family. And I would move here so that you could still see them."
E: "I don't know. I'll think about it."

After church one night:
Me: "M, did you understand what they were talking about? They were talking about how it's important to love God more than anything else in the world. Is there anything that you love more than God?
M: Daddy ... and Tucker. (our dog)
Me: Well ... I think that's okay for right now and I'm pretty sure God would be okay with that.


Life Goals:
M: "Mommy! When I grow up, I want to be in the Lord's Army. I am going to move to Michigan, drive a tank and also drive Poppa's big truck. Then when I am not in the Lord's Army (vacation time), I am going to dive with sharks and ride motorcycles."


Oral Hygiene:
M: MOMMY! When you brush my teeth - you need to brush back here REALLY good. I don't want gray teeth!"

Bad Words!
M:"Mommy? What is the F word again?"
Me:"Ummm ... what?"
M:"You know ... from my sight words!"
Me:"OOOOOOH!!! Find!!!!!!"
M: YESSSSS!!!!
Me:(Phewwwwwwww)