There were many days when I didn't think that I would ever be able to celebrate this day.
Doctors with medicine and well-intentioned folks
glossed over the deep, dark pain with sympathetic smiles and soft pats on the back.
There were years that I dreaded heading out on this day. B
itter tears would squeeze out as I swallowed that awful lump in my throat,
wondering if God really could hear my pleas and prayers.
There were many days I (stuipidly) questioned Him and asked Him to give me the Why?
BUT ----- little did I know that my life was on this amazing trajectory.
My life was set to be a beautifully, interwoven masterpiece with two of the most amazing ladies on the planet. T
hese two AMAZING Angels carried, delivered, trusted, and placed their precious bundles of such unbelievable joy
within this barren woman's arms.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't sit back in awe of these two Angel Moms who obeyed God,
through some of the darkest moments of their lives.
I would not be a Mom today,
without them.
I am continuously humbled
and extremely honored
to call them my son's Angel Moms.
I see these strong and brave women i
n little glimpses of my son's eyes or smiles.
It makes me happy --
to know that these Angel's strength and obedience to God
lies within my boy's blood and bones.
My boy's will honor them today, privately.
We are raising them to know
that God can take seemingly random people and thoughts, a
nd weave them together into something so beautiful,
it reaches beyond any human understanding.
My boys remind me that God weaves together broken pieces of our lives
and makes them truly beautiful.
Beauty from Ashes.
Peace from Despair.
Laughter from Sorrow.
He does it all.
Would you please help me honor these woman today?
Pray that the tears and throat lump and questions they may have today,
be replaced with peace.
That the sight of their baby growing up
will remind them that the path of their trajectory
and pieces of their life
are STILL being woven together as part of God's ultimate masterpiece.
Pray that they will see how honored I am to join my life with theirs,
in such an unexpected way.
That I would not want to hold hands at the table of Mother's Day
with any other women.
5.14.2017
2.28.2017
Hold you! Carry you!
I have a sweet two-year-old who is just learning to talk.
He is very much a Momma's boy and must be under my feet at all times,
which I adore because he doesn't want to go anywhere without me.
He is also getting to the age where he can start walking next to me when we go in public.
I slightly panic everytime we do this in a parking lot or busy store because I have a tendency to always think of all the dangers that are around.
But so far, it has gone just fine because I hold on real tight when we are out and about.
A few months back, we stood at the bottom of our stairs getting ready to ascend.
He reached upwards with his hands and said,
"Hold you!"
My heart melted.
His 9-year old brother had said the same thing around this age.
And I just love the phrase.
Tonight we stood on the top of the stairs to make our descent.
He reached towards me and said,
"Carry you!"
This time I chuckled.
"I wish!" I quietly muttered and laughed
as I hoisted my sweet-cheeked boy onto my hip.
As I bounced down the stairs,
I felt the voice of God whisper,
"You say that to me, you know."
I tucked that voice away and pondered the message as I mashed our potatoes and heated our peas.
I bathed and rocked and laid the babe down, I reminded the older one to finish his game and take a shower.
And then I paused and
I unpacked that voice.
"Carry you! Hold you!
"You say that to me, you know."
And oh my goodness,
I do!
I pray that
All.
The.
Time.
"LORD! Give me strength to hold on!"
"God! Give me strength to carry this load."
And on and on and on.
And it is always me doing the lifting, and carrying, and holding.
Apparently, even in my prayers, I try to be superwoman.
God brought to my remembrance a verse,
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, '
Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
I look again.
I never noticed that before.
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you,
'Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
God holds my hand.
God holds MY hand.
God holds MY hand.
And it all starts fitting together, like pieces of a puzzle.
When we are in the parking lot or busy store, I am holding CTC's hand.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are going up the stairs, I am holding onto CTC.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are coming down the stairs, I am carrying CTC.
He is not the one doing the carrying.
I am.
I sigh.
I always think I am so awesome for holding on to
and helping carry
and for grasping real tight to the hand of God.
But, He has got me so much tighter.
He has me so much stronger.
He can carry me so much farther.
I smile.
I love that CTC thinks he is carrying me.
But, it is not what reality is.
I know that God loves that we think we are carrying our loads.
But, it is not reality.
He holds our hands.
He carries us.
In parking lots,
and busy stores,
and stairs with no gates on them,
I can see dangers that CTC is not even aware of.
So it is with God.
God holds on to us so tight, because he sees all that could hurt us.
He gives us boundaries because he knows the dangers that could beset us.
He holds us
and carries us
and that is how he protects us.
What a Good Father He is.
The best there is.
And I love how two words from my baby boy
can speak to me in unimaginable ways
of how good of a Father
God truly is.
He is very much a Momma's boy and must be under my feet at all times,
which I adore because he doesn't want to go anywhere without me.
He is also getting to the age where he can start walking next to me when we go in public.
I slightly panic everytime we do this in a parking lot or busy store because I have a tendency to always think of all the dangers that are around.
But so far, it has gone just fine because I hold on real tight when we are out and about.
A few months back, we stood at the bottom of our stairs getting ready to ascend.
He reached upwards with his hands and said,
"Hold you!"
My heart melted.
His 9-year old brother had said the same thing around this age.
And I just love the phrase.
Tonight we stood on the top of the stairs to make our descent.
He reached towards me and said,
"Carry you!"
This time I chuckled.
"I wish!" I quietly muttered and laughed
as I hoisted my sweet-cheeked boy onto my hip.
As I bounced down the stairs,
I felt the voice of God whisper,
"You say that to me, you know."
I tucked that voice away and pondered the message as I mashed our potatoes and heated our peas.
I bathed and rocked and laid the babe down, I reminded the older one to finish his game and take a shower.
And then I paused and
I unpacked that voice.
"Carry you! Hold you!
"You say that to me, you know."
And oh my goodness,
I do!
I pray that
All.
The.
Time.
"LORD! Give me strength to hold on!"
"God! Give me strength to carry this load."
And on and on and on.
And it is always me doing the lifting, and carrying, and holding.
Apparently, even in my prayers, I try to be superwoman.
God brought to my remembrance a verse,
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you, '
Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
I look again.
I never noticed that before.
"I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you,
'Don't be afraid; I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13
God holds my hand.
God holds MY hand.
God holds MY hand.
And it all starts fitting together, like pieces of a puzzle.
When we are in the parking lot or busy store, I am holding CTC's hand.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are going up the stairs, I am holding onto CTC.
He is not the one holding on.
I am.
When we are coming down the stairs, I am carrying CTC.
He is not the one doing the carrying.
I am.
I sigh.
I always think I am so awesome for holding on to
and helping carry
and for grasping real tight to the hand of God.
But, He has got me so much tighter.
He has me so much stronger.
He can carry me so much farther.
I smile.
I love that CTC thinks he is carrying me.
But, it is not what reality is.
I know that God loves that we think we are carrying our loads.
But, it is not reality.
He holds our hands.
He carries us.
In parking lots,
and busy stores,
and stairs with no gates on them,
I can see dangers that CTC is not even aware of.
So it is with God.
God holds on to us so tight, because he sees all that could hurt us.
He gives us boundaries because he knows the dangers that could beset us.
He holds us
and carries us
and that is how he protects us.
What a Good Father He is.
The best there is.
And I love how two words from my baby boy
can speak to me in unimaginable ways
of how good of a Father
God truly is.
2.04.2017
Worth the Wait
Every day this week, my Timehop app has put pictures from 2 years ago today directly before me.
And each day, I sit in utter disbelief at how unknowing I was.
We had no idea how much our lives would change, in just a few short days.
The waiting for baby #2 wasn't as painful and achingly void as waiting for baby #1.
But, there was still pain.
And even though I can't see it on my perfectly poised Social Media pictures.
I know, that it was there,
Right below the surface.
Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.
We waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And on Friday, the 13th,
at 13 minutes to midnight,
in our 13th year of marriage,
our miracle was born.
13 hours later,
we received a phone call.
I scribbled the words on a piece of paper,
so my husband could see,
"baby boy -
born last night -
healthy!"
3 hours later,
I looked into this sweet baby's face and knew,
he was our son.
That night, we rushed around and pulled things from the attic.
Onesies and crib sheets.
Blankets and bottles.
We assembled a crib.
We dashed to Sam's for
diapers,
wipes, and
formula.
48 hours after the phone call,
we brought him home.
We were waiting no more.
Women who have birthed children tell me
that once they look into their sweet baby's face,
they forget all the pain.
So it is with me.
I would wait every day over again --
in a heartbeat --
to have CTC in our lives.
He came at the PERFECT time for our family.
So, I want to encourage those who are still waiting.
Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.
But -- do not let it change who you know God is.
He hears you.
He acknowledges you.
He is moving.
Though slower than we would like,
and at times in unexpectedly different ways.
But God is
who He has always been,
and will continue to be.
His plan is
always
worth
the wait.
And each day, I sit in utter disbelief at how unknowing I was.
We had no idea how much our lives would change, in just a few short days.
The waiting for baby #2 wasn't as painful and achingly void as waiting for baby #1.
But, there was still pain.
And even though I can't see it on my perfectly poised Social Media pictures.
I know, that it was there,
Right below the surface.
Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.
We waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And on Friday, the 13th,
at 13 minutes to midnight,
in our 13th year of marriage,
our miracle was born.
13 hours later,
we received a phone call.
I scribbled the words on a piece of paper,
so my husband could see,
"baby boy -
born last night -
healthy!"
3 hours later,
I looked into this sweet baby's face and knew,
he was our son.
That night, we rushed around and pulled things from the attic.
Onesies and crib sheets.
Blankets and bottles.
We assembled a crib.
We dashed to Sam's for
diapers,
wipes, and
formula.
48 hours after the phone call,
we brought him home.
We were waiting no more.
Women who have birthed children tell me
that once they look into their sweet baby's face,
they forget all the pain.
So it is with me.
I would wait every day over again --
in a heartbeat --
to have CTC in our lives.
He came at the PERFECT time for our family.
So, I want to encourage those who are still waiting.
Waiting for something to happen takes its toll on even the most
stalwart of a believer.
The constant battle with disbelief,
the whispered utterance of seemingly unanswered prayers,
the need for positive talking and thinking,
the answering of questions by others who just don't know,
and the struggle of keeping a keen perspective on
who
God
is.
But -- do not let it change who you know God is.
He hears you.
He acknowledges you.
He is moving.
Though slower than we would like,
and at times in unexpectedly different ways.
But God is
who He has always been,
and will continue to be.
His plan is
always
worth
the wait.
1.06.2016
Trust
I sat in my baby's room tonight bawling my eyes out.
Some of it is exhaustion.
Some of it just being me.
But most of it -- in utter disbelief that he is here.
I cried and prayed and waited for that baby.
FOR. YEARS!!
I never imagined he would come to us
in 48 hours
unannounced.
I still am blown away
at God's
plan,
provision,
and
purpose
in doing that to our family.
I said it to my friend the other night,
"It's almost as if God had to keep
CTC hidden from everyone's radar
until
just
the
right
moment.
It's almost as if he didn't want
ANYONE to know
CTC was coming.
Not even us.
Maybe so that we could trust Him more.
Maybe so the Devil and his evil plans
wouldn't mess it up."
I don't know.
But whatever it was.
It was the Lord.
100%.
More convinced now, than I was then.
Some of it is exhaustion.
Some of it just being me.
But most of it -- in utter disbelief that he is here.
I cried and prayed and waited for that baby.
FOR. YEARS!!
I never imagined he would come to us
in 48 hours
unannounced.
I still am blown away
at God's
plan,
provision,
and
purpose
in doing that to our family.
I said it to my friend the other night,
"It's almost as if God had to keep
CTC hidden from everyone's radar
until
just
the
right
moment.
It's almost as if he didn't want
ANYONE to know
CTC was coming.
Not even us.
Maybe so that we could trust Him more.
Maybe so the Devil and his evil plans
wouldn't mess it up."
I don't know.
But whatever it was.
It was the Lord.
100%.
More convinced now, than I was then.
12.29.2015
2015 Wrap-Up
So I haven't put anything on here in awhile.
I think once I started Grad School -- any creativity I needed to let out in a constant and steady stream,
was forcibly
squeezed into making any projects and papers
sound like they weren't written by a
super exhausted teacher/mom/wife
who was piecing them together
after 10 pm.
But this year deserves a punctuation at the end.
It deserves some recognition.
This was (by far) my most amazing year to date.
Right behind 2007.
This isn't going to be a super cute post -- or even clever one.
It will remain here as an Ebenezer of what GOD has done!
I don't want to forget that in 2015 ...
Each month brought some piece of God's grace.
A PROMISE coming into reality.
A shaking of head and almost disbelief that yet another good thing was really happening.
JANUARY:
MTM decided to truly and wholly commit his Heart to the Lord.
This unexpected event happened on a random Sunday Evening while I was hanging laundry in his closet.
We had an hour long discussion about the tabernacle, the old covenant, the new covenant, WHY Jesus' blood is different,
and a host of other deep Spiritual truths.
Once he had his answers, he prayed.
And since then -- he has truly been a new creation.
FEBRUARY:
THEE Valentine's Day phone call that there was a baby boy awaiting us at the hospital.
The first time I held him in my arms, I fell in love.
The first time I held him, I knew his name.
The first time I held him, I knew his place was with our family.
And in exactly 48 hours from the first phone call, he was in our home with us.
My brain was a scrambled egg -- but my heart and spirit was never so sure of something.
CTC entered our family.
MARCH:
The Lacy Family became an official Family of 4.
Life has never been the same.
How Sweet it is!
I have eaten my share of Chocolate this year to remind myself of God's sweetness.
APRIL:
Brizzle started interviewing for his replacement so he could move into a new position!
I started applying for new jobs to become a School Library Media Specialist!
We both were searching and knew that we were ready for the next step in our careers.
MAY:
Brizzle officially transitioned to his new position.
He finally came into his own.
It reminded me of the the moment where Joseph takes his rightful place in Pharoh's palace.
I could have never imagined how God would work this journey out for Brizzle.
There have been so many times that I didn't know how it would all pan out.
But it did.
And God has used Brizzle in so many ways.
ALSO: I celebrated my Teacher of the Year nomination at a fancy shmancy banquet.
And got a plaque.
And got a new dress.
And red shoes.
JUNE:
I interviewed and accepted a position as a new School Library Media Specialist.
All of the hard work had paid off.
New Job.
New Opportunity!
I had never been so shocked and excited about a job in my ENTIRE life!
JULY:
MTM's well that he raised over $1,100 for was installed in Guatemala.
Our family went on a 2-week long vacay.
1 week in Michigan.
1 week in Vegas/Hoover Dam/Grand Canyon/Phoenix.
AUGUST:
MTM was accepted into the school that we had been on the waiting list for awhile.
It is one of the best schools in the area.
And it's Christ-based.
Even better.
SEPTEMBER:
My niece (miracle baby #3 for my brother/sis-in-law) was born!
OCTOBER:
CTC was accepted into the daycare that is a part of MTM's school! Easier pick-up and drop-off!
This also gives us the opportunity to put him directly into Kindergarten with no wait!!!
NOVEMBER:
I passed the Exam needed to maintain the position at my new school media center!
This lets me keep doing what I am doing and allows me to get paid more for the position! HOTCHA!!!
DECEMBER:
I graduated with a 4.0 and a Master's Degree!
Something I never thought I would get/knew I wanted!
And that pretty much summed it up.
It's truly a testament and Ebenezer to God's faithfulness in my life
-- even when I was faithless about some of these items.
God's good. Even when we aren't.
God's faithful. Even when we lose faith.
His plans will happen.
His hands will work things out.
He is amazing.
He is astonishing.
I am so glad He is my God.
My father.
My everything.
I think once I started Grad School -- any creativity I needed to let out in a constant and steady stream,
was forcibly
squeezed into making any projects and papers
sound like they weren't written by a
super exhausted teacher/mom/wife
who was piecing them together
after 10 pm.
But this year deserves a punctuation at the end.
It deserves some recognition.
This was (by far) my most amazing year to date.
Right behind 2007.
This isn't going to be a super cute post -- or even clever one.
It will remain here as an Ebenezer of what GOD has done!
I don't want to forget that in 2015 ...
Each month brought some piece of God's grace.
A PROMISE coming into reality.
A shaking of head and almost disbelief that yet another good thing was really happening.
JANUARY:
MTM decided to truly and wholly commit his Heart to the Lord.
This unexpected event happened on a random Sunday Evening while I was hanging laundry in his closet.
We had an hour long discussion about the tabernacle, the old covenant, the new covenant, WHY Jesus' blood is different,
and a host of other deep Spiritual truths.
Once he had his answers, he prayed.
And since then -- he has truly been a new creation.
FEBRUARY:
THEE Valentine's Day phone call that there was a baby boy awaiting us at the hospital.
The first time I held him in my arms, I fell in love.
The first time I held him, I knew his name.
The first time I held him, I knew his place was with our family.
And in exactly 48 hours from the first phone call, he was in our home with us.
My brain was a scrambled egg -- but my heart and spirit was never so sure of something.
CTC entered our family.
MARCH:
The Lacy Family became an official Family of 4.
Life has never been the same.
How Sweet it is!
I have eaten my share of Chocolate this year to remind myself of God's sweetness.
APRIL:
Brizzle started interviewing for his replacement so he could move into a new position!
I started applying for new jobs to become a School Library Media Specialist!
We both were searching and knew that we were ready for the next step in our careers.
MAY:
Brizzle officially transitioned to his new position.
He finally came into his own.
It reminded me of the the moment where Joseph takes his rightful place in Pharoh's palace.
I could have never imagined how God would work this journey out for Brizzle.
There have been so many times that I didn't know how it would all pan out.
But it did.
And God has used Brizzle in so many ways.
ALSO: I celebrated my Teacher of the Year nomination at a fancy shmancy banquet.
And got a plaque.
And got a new dress.
And red shoes.
JUNE:
I interviewed and accepted a position as a new School Library Media Specialist.
All of the hard work had paid off.
New Job.
New Opportunity!
I had never been so shocked and excited about a job in my ENTIRE life!
JULY:
MTM's well that he raised over $1,100 for was installed in Guatemala.
Our family went on a 2-week long vacay.
1 week in Michigan.
1 week in Vegas/Hoover Dam/Grand Canyon/Phoenix.
AUGUST:
MTM was accepted into the school that we had been on the waiting list for awhile.
It is one of the best schools in the area.
And it's Christ-based.
Even better.
SEPTEMBER:
My niece (miracle baby #3 for my brother/sis-in-law) was born!
OCTOBER:
CTC was accepted into the daycare that is a part of MTM's school! Easier pick-up and drop-off!
This also gives us the opportunity to put him directly into Kindergarten with no wait!!!
NOVEMBER:
I passed the Exam needed to maintain the position at my new school media center!
This lets me keep doing what I am doing and allows me to get paid more for the position! HOTCHA!!!
DECEMBER:
I graduated with a 4.0 and a Master's Degree!
Something I never thought I would get/knew I wanted!
And that pretty much summed it up.
It's truly a testament and Ebenezer to God's faithfulness in my life
-- even when I was faithless about some of these items.
God's good. Even when we aren't.
God's faithful. Even when we lose faith.
His plans will happen.
His hands will work things out.
He is amazing.
He is astonishing.
I am so glad He is my God.
My father.
My everything.
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