Forest of Doubt.

I am in a dark forest.
Still on a small, dirt path.

Large pine trees tower overhead.
Wild animals chatter.
Sticks crackle under my feet.
Briars scrape across my skin.
Darkness encloses around me.
I can see a few feet around me.
I am alone.

And I wonder ...
Will this ever end?
Am I lost?
I don't know if this is the right way.
How can this be the right way?

Doubt settles in.
I can't see the light.
I can't see the way.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
I feel like I won't ever make it out.
I will forever be in this dark
Forest of Doubt.

Days go by.
I look ahead.
I think I see a sliver of light,
Shining onto the path.
It is!
It is a lone ray of beautiful and majestic sunlight.
A ray of hope that spreads across the path ahead.
And I remember that He is with me ...

This will end.
I am not lost.
This is the right way.
I am not alone.
I will make it out of this
Forest of Doubt.

Beyond the Forest of Doubt lies the Meadow of Hope.
The Meadow of Hope reaches towards the Mountain of Realized Promises.

If I get through this doubt,
if I hold on and walk with hope,
I can reach my Promise.
My promise!

So, even though I am still in this dark forest, and
still on a small, dirt path with
large pine trees overhead and
wild animal chatter and
sticks crackling and
briars scraping and
darkness all around me.

I have hope.
A small, sliver from a lone ray of sunlight on my path.

I trust what lies ahead.
This is not the end.
I am not lost.
This is the right way.
I am not alone.

I WILL make it out of this
Forest of Doubt.

Ash

The End.

Flesh turns to ashes.
Small,
fine,
dusty,
black
pile of ash.
What remains.

A steady
wind
blows.
A slow,
quiet
wind.
Ashes join the sky.
Gone.
What remains?

Beautiful,
exquisite
jewels.
Ornate designs.
Breathtaking colors.
Indescribable details.
What remains!

Only uncovered
once the end comes.
When we understand what truly matters.
When we see what He has always seen.



Lord, let me not despise this burning fire of refinement.
Whatever you need to burn away within me, do it.
Let my heart have more worth than ash.
More purpose than plain dust.

Transition

In the last year we have had a major life transition. 

I think when the transition happened ... 

What those we left felt, 

we felt too. 

We have never been more unsure of the why behind the move and the timing and ... Pretty much everything. 

It was one of those times where God was giving B and I a task that neither of us was looking for, praying about, or desiring. 

We had a choice: obedience or disobedience. 

And believe me, I went kicking and screaming and cursing ... In the direction of obedience. 

It wasn't pretty ... 

And I am pretty sure God and I haven't had our last conversation about it yet ... 

Even a year later. 

The place we were had been our support and deep friendship for basically our entire marriage. 

A decade of comforts was being removed in a span of a few weeks. 

It sucked ... 

Hard. 

But there were friends around that I needed. 

I knew they cared, 

I knew they were thinking about me - 

but they also gave me space. 

It was great.

Whenever you leave a ministry, you have to step back and let it go and grow without you. 

If not, people either think you are meddling or can't let go. 

So in some ways - B and I drew back too because we knew we had to. 

We didnt want people to think we were still trying to be influential in where we had been and have anyone get the wrong idea. 

Plus- if we didnt back away from it, then getting settled in our new place would have been near impossible. (And honestly, it still was for a loooong time).

I think the last year has been one of the most confusing times in my walk with The Lord in about every which way I look. 

I don't know what he is doing or why he is doing it. 

He just is. 

The one thing B and I have learned this year is that God's desire for obedience trumps everything else: our egos, 

our plans, 

our pride, 

our comforts, 

our wishes, 

our hopes, 

our promises, 

our friendships, 

our ministries, etc. 

It's the hardest lesson I am learning yet. 

There are a lot of things about our ministry that I miss ... 

the people and spirit of togetherness. 

The genuine and caring spirit. 

But, obedience trumps us.

And so we press on and try not to question His reasonings. 

Barren Land

Habakkuk 3:17-18

GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

17 Even if the fig tree does not bloom
and the vines have no grapes,
even if the olive tree fails to produce
and the fields yield no food,
even if the sheep pen is empty
and the stalls have no cattle—
18 even then,
I will be happy with the Lord.
I will truly find joy in God, who saves me.

Distant

The struggle for obedience when faith is weak drains me.

It's truly the first time in my life I am left-
puzzled.

I don't know what God is choosing to do right now.
Nor the reason why.
I am okay with that for right now.
I think.

But there were so many whispers that the outcome would be different.
That somehow, my faith WOULD move that mountain.
My mustard seed would be the deciding factor between here and there.
And it wasn't.

It didn't do it.
The "name-it-and-claim-it" formula didn't work.
But was I really surprised?
Have I ever truly thought I could will something to happen?
Not in this life.
Not with my record.

And yet, I am still puzzled that it really didn't work.
That I am left here empty.
That I am broken.
So much.
That I feel unwhole and inhuman and even






distant








from my faith.
Not necessarily my faith in God.
Just my faith's ability in general.

So it's this messy, ugly, swirl of emotions that comes and goes with the passing hours.

I struggle to force a smile and go about my day-
with this massive disconnect between my faith
and my feelings.

I am hoping soon I can render my heart complete and human and close to my faith.
But until then ... I sit, puzzled, sensitive, hurting, drained.