The last week has been one of the strangest weeks.
I am waiting for some randomly taken test results.
I really don't think there will be a bad outcome.
But there is always second-guessing.
So here I sit.
At times a complete head-case.
I waffle between having complete and total peace
and being on the brink of panic.
In my moments of panic, I am in my bed, crying and fretting;
On the phone, talking with my family;
nibbling my fingernails;
meandering through the internet to "escape".
But in my moments of peace -- it goes so much deeper.
My moments of peace are full of God.
He is there.
With me.
I remember:
God has promised so much to me and I believe Him.
I trust Him.
From the depths of my heart --
I trust him more than anything else that exists.
He has always been there.
With me.
I really do believe
that even if all collapses around me,
He will be there in the rubble,
directing me how to pick up the broken pieces of my life.
He will be there.
With me.
One thing I learned while going through all my infertility
is that I am not supposed to question God.
His plans are always greater than ours.
His plans are always better than ours.
His plans are always so much more amazing than ours.
Ironically, my son's name means "Who is Like God?"
(To which I always reply, "Apparently not me!")
He was there all the time.
With me.
As I sat in the waiting room this week,
waiting for the initial procedure,
I pictured God,
With me.
As I was in the room,
being poked and prodded,
I knew he was there,
With me.
As I got home,
in pain,
I felt God,
With me.
No matter what happens,
He was there.
He is there.
He will be there.
With me.
Psalm 73:23-28
23 Yet, I am always with you.
You hold on to my right hand.
24 With your advice you guide me,
and in the end you will take me to glory.
25 As long as I have you,
I don’t need anyone else in heaven or on earth.
26 My body and mind may waste away,
but God remains the foundation of my life
and my inheritance forever.
27 Without a doubt, those who are far from you will die.
You destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 Being united with God is my highest good.
I have made the Almighty Lord my refuge
so that I may report everything that he has done.
3.19.2013
3.14.2013
You Can Have It All
MTM and I were driving in the car.
I was sipping a latte and he was nibbling on a doughnut.
"Can I have some of your doughnut?" I asked.
"Here you go, Mommy! You can have all of this piece."
I looked at my piece and smiled.
It was a little more than one bite.
God nudged me.
"That's how I look at you sometimes."
I nodded in agreement.
There we sit with a huge doughnut --
that God bought for us.
Because he loves us.
He asks us for some.
We give him one bite ... or maybe a bit more.
We think we are being awesome.
We think we are wowing him.
He sees how much we have been given --
and how much we give back to him.
And, not that I needed it -- but how cool would it have been if MTM would have offered the WHOLE doughnut?
I, obviously, wouldn't have taken it all.
But - just the willingness would have been enough.
In the next moment, I looked back at MTM.
He was smiling so sweetly at me.
Intently watching me enjoy my bite.
I knew he had the best of intentions when he gave.
He really was giving his best.
God also nudged me in that moment that he knows our hearts.
He knows we are mere children.
He knows that when we offer that one bite - being sincere
(like MTM's sweet smile truly was),
the offering is still acceptable and accepted.
But how pleased would God be if we offered him everything?
Not that he would ever take it --
But - I bet that just our willingness would be more than enough for Him.
I was sipping a latte and he was nibbling on a doughnut.
"Can I have some of your doughnut?" I asked.
"Here you go, Mommy! You can have all of this piece."
I looked at my piece and smiled.
It was a little more than one bite.
God nudged me.
"That's how I look at you sometimes."
I nodded in agreement.
There we sit with a huge doughnut --
that God bought for us.
Because he loves us.
He asks us for some.
We give him one bite ... or maybe a bit more.
We think we are being awesome.
We think we are wowing him.
He sees how much we have been given --
and how much we give back to him.
And, not that I needed it -- but how cool would it have been if MTM would have offered the WHOLE doughnut?
I, obviously, wouldn't have taken it all.
But - just the willingness would have been enough.
In the next moment, I looked back at MTM.
He was smiling so sweetly at me.
Intently watching me enjoy my bite.
I knew he had the best of intentions when he gave.
He really was giving his best.
God also nudged me in that moment that he knows our hearts.
He knows we are mere children.
He knows that when we offer that one bite - being sincere
(like MTM's sweet smile truly was),
the offering is still acceptable and accepted.
But how pleased would God be if we offered him everything?
Not that he would ever take it --
But - I bet that just our willingness would be more than enough for Him.
1.21.2013
Funny Sayings of MTM - lately
In no particular order:
One Morning:
M: Daddy, I had an accident and peed in my bed.
B: That's okay, we can clean it up.
M: Daddy, I also peed in my pajamas.
B: Okay. We can get that too.
M: But Daddy - I didn't pee on my socks.
Bedtime Prayers:
"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my family and that Jesus loves me. Amen."
"Dear God - Love you and thank you that I have a good mom and a good dad. Amen."
"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my parents ... annnnnnnnd pants. Love you, Amen."
To me and B:
"Guys - we need to pray for our next baby. We need to have a girl. Because I want a sister. But also -- because there are already two boys and there needs to be two girls. And then we need to get a girl dog for Tucker."
A conversation between him and his cousin, who is a 4 year old girl:
M: "E - do you want to get married when we grow up?"
E: "Ummm ... no."
M: "Why?"
E: "Well ... because then we would have to kiss and stuff."
M: "That's okay. That is what married people do."
E: "EWWWWWWWWW!
M and E: (giggle, giggle)
E: "Plus then I wouldn't live with my family."
M: "Well, we could buy a house right next to your family. And I would move here so that you could still see them."
E: "I don't know. I'll think about it."
After church one night:
Me: "M, did you understand what they were talking about? They were talking about how it's important to love God more than anything else in the world. Is there anything that you love more than God?
M: Daddy ... and Tucker. (our dog)
Me: Well ... I think that's okay for right now and I'm pretty sure God would be okay with that.
Life Goals:
M: "Mommy! When I grow up, I want to be in the Lord's Army. I am going to move to Michigan, drive a tank and also drive Poppa's big truck. Then when I am not in the Lord's Army (vacation time), I am going to dive with sharks and ride motorcycles."
Oral Hygiene:
M: MOMMY! When you brush my teeth - you need to brush back here REALLY good. I don't want gray teeth!"
Bad Words!
M:"Mommy? What is the F word again?"
Me:"Ummm ... what?"
M:"You know ... from my sight words!"
Me:"OOOOOOH!!! Find!!!!!!"
M: YESSSSS!!!!
Me:(Phewwwwwwww)
One Morning:
M: Daddy, I had an accident and peed in my bed.
B: That's okay, we can clean it up.
M: Daddy, I also peed in my pajamas.
B: Okay. We can get that too.
M: But Daddy - I didn't pee on my socks.
Bedtime Prayers:
"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my family and that Jesus loves me. Amen."
"Dear God - Love you and thank you that I have a good mom and a good dad. Amen."
"Dear God - Love you and thank you for my parents ... annnnnnnnd pants. Love you, Amen."
To me and B:
"Guys - we need to pray for our next baby. We need to have a girl. Because I want a sister. But also -- because there are already two boys and there needs to be two girls. And then we need to get a girl dog for Tucker."
A conversation between him and his cousin, who is a 4 year old girl:
M: "E - do you want to get married when we grow up?"
E: "Ummm ... no."
M: "Why?"
E: "Well ... because then we would have to kiss and stuff."
M: "That's okay. That is what married people do."
E: "EWWWWWWWWW!
M and E: (giggle, giggle)
E: "Plus then I wouldn't live with my family."
M: "Well, we could buy a house right next to your family. And I would move here so that you could still see them."
E: "I don't know. I'll think about it."
After church one night:
Me: "M, did you understand what they were talking about? They were talking about how it's important to love God more than anything else in the world. Is there anything that you love more than God?
M: Daddy ... and Tucker. (our dog)
Me: Well ... I think that's okay for right now and I'm pretty sure God would be okay with that.
Life Goals:
M: "Mommy! When I grow up, I want to be in the Lord's Army. I am going to move to Michigan, drive a tank and also drive Poppa's big truck. Then when I am not in the Lord's Army (vacation time), I am going to dive with sharks and ride motorcycles."
Oral Hygiene:
M: MOMMY! When you brush my teeth - you need to brush back here REALLY good. I don't want gray teeth!"
Bad Words!
M:"Mommy? What is the F word again?"
Me:"Ummm ... what?"
M:"You know ... from my sight words!"
Me:"OOOOOOH!!! Find!!!!!!"
M: YESSSSS!!!!
Me:(Phewwwwwwww)
1.08.2013
Christmas Crazy
So M is 5 years old and we have never really pushed the whole "Santa" thing.
Not because I am some crazy, over-spiritual person.
It's just that I don't want him to be one of those kids who write 26 page "wish-lists" and then pout when "Santa" doesn't come thru.
We sing songs about Santa -
we go and take the yearly picture with him -
we leave out the milk and cookies -
the typical "kid" things.
However, I was still slighty surprised that he was SO excited about Santa.
On Christmas Eve, I pulled up the NORAD tracker and showed him that Santa was "on his way". I expected a little excitement. A little smirk and a few questions. Boy, was I completely mellowing the experience for him.
When I showed him the satellite -- he took off and started running around the room screaming, "EVERYONE! HURRY UP AND GO TO BED!!! SANTA IS COMING! SANTA IS COMING!!!!"
He ran up the stairs, throwing his clothes off and yelling, "MOMMY! QUICK! TURN ON THE SHOWER!!!!! I GOTTA TAKE IT BEFORE SANTA COMES!!!!"
I got up and laughed to myself as I followed behind him, picking up his carelessly strewn clothes.
I got him in the shower and as I got his PJ's in order, he started screaming, "MOMMY! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
I peeked in the bathroom and asked him what he wanted.
"MOMMY! You and Daddy need to go RIGHT to bed when I go to sleep. I mean RIGHT to bed. You CANNOT stay up and watch a movie like you usually do. OR stay up talking. You have to go RIGHT to bed!!! I have been SO good this year and I know that Santa WON'T skip our house if you are up -- BUT he will have to wait for you! HURRY UP!!!"
I told him I promised that we would hurry.
When I was kissing him goodnight and saying the prayers, he looked at me and said, "Mommy! I don't want to go on the Polar Express tonight if it comes. I just want to stay here and listen for Santa."
He then proceeded to ask me a bunch of different questions about how Santa would get inside and how he would walk up the stairs without anyone hearing him, and a bunch of other things that I was seriously amazed he was thinking about. But then -- he stopped and said, "WAIT!!! THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! GO DOWNSTAIRS! GO TO BED!! SANTA IS COMING!!!!"
I agreed and turned off the light.
I have to admit -- I was getting so caught up in his excitement, that after I helped him into his PJ's and bed -- I ran downstairs to my dear hubs and said, "BABE!!! WE GOT TO GET IN BED! SANTA IS COMING!"
B just stared at me, until I calmed down.
Little does he know, deep down, I still believe ...
=)
Not because I am some crazy, over-spiritual person.
It's just that I don't want him to be one of those kids who write 26 page "wish-lists" and then pout when "Santa" doesn't come thru.
We sing songs about Santa -
we go and take the yearly picture with him -
we leave out the milk and cookies -
the typical "kid" things.
However, I was still slighty surprised that he was SO excited about Santa.
On Christmas Eve, I pulled up the NORAD tracker and showed him that Santa was "on his way". I expected a little excitement. A little smirk and a few questions. Boy, was I completely mellowing the experience for him.
When I showed him the satellite -- he took off and started running around the room screaming, "EVERYONE! HURRY UP AND GO TO BED!!! SANTA IS COMING! SANTA IS COMING!!!!"
He ran up the stairs, throwing his clothes off and yelling, "MOMMY! QUICK! TURN ON THE SHOWER!!!!! I GOTTA TAKE IT BEFORE SANTA COMES!!!!"
I got up and laughed to myself as I followed behind him, picking up his carelessly strewn clothes.
I got him in the shower and as I got his PJ's in order, he started screaming, "MOMMY! MOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
I peeked in the bathroom and asked him what he wanted.
"MOMMY! You and Daddy need to go RIGHT to bed when I go to sleep. I mean RIGHT to bed. You CANNOT stay up and watch a movie like you usually do. OR stay up talking. You have to go RIGHT to bed!!! I have been SO good this year and I know that Santa WON'T skip our house if you are up -- BUT he will have to wait for you! HURRY UP!!!"
I told him I promised that we would hurry.
When I was kissing him goodnight and saying the prayers, he looked at me and said, "Mommy! I don't want to go on the Polar Express tonight if it comes. I just want to stay here and listen for Santa."
He then proceeded to ask me a bunch of different questions about how Santa would get inside and how he would walk up the stairs without anyone hearing him, and a bunch of other things that I was seriously amazed he was thinking about. But then -- he stopped and said, "WAIT!!! THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! GO DOWNSTAIRS! GO TO BED!! SANTA IS COMING!!!!"
I agreed and turned off the light.
I have to admit -- I was getting so caught up in his excitement, that after I helped him into his PJ's and bed -- I ran downstairs to my dear hubs and said, "BABE!!! WE GOT TO GET IN BED! SANTA IS COMING!"
B just stared at me, until I calmed down.
Little does he know, deep down, I still believe ...
=)
12.23.2012
Christmas Lesson 2012
Every year at Christmas, another part of the Christmas story comes alive to me in a personal way.
Some years, it comes to me in a song lyric that I must have missed the million times I have listened before.
Other years, it's a line or theme from a Christmas movie that sticks with me.
Then, there are the years of a major life event that causes my view of Christmas to change yet again.
God has consistently changed the lens of how I view the Christmas story in so many different ways over the years.
I now look forward to how He will do it yet again in the weeks leading up the actual day.
This year was no different.
God has been dealing with me a lot about obedience lately.
There is this amazing verse in the Old Testament that has been rolling around my head. Saul (the king at the time) has taken what God had asked him to specifically do and changed it.
In Saul's eyes, it was just a little change.
In Saul's eyes, he was choosing something that he thinks God would want.
In Saul's eyes, he was exchanging obedience to God for a sacrifice to God.
God's reply is priceless as He speaks through the prophet, Samuel:
"Then Samuel said, "Is the LORD as delighted with burnt offerings and sacrifices as He would be with your obedience? To follow instructions is better than sacrifice. To obey is better than sacrificing the fat of rams." I Samuel 15:22
This morning when I was in church, I was reflecting on Christmas and wondering what God was going to show me this year. One word came to me: Obedience.
The Christmas story is a perfect example of
a bunch of ordinary people
being obedient
to Him.
Jesus was obedient to come to Earth --
even though it would make him human.
Mary was obedient to carry this child --
even though it would bring her shame.
Joseph was obedient to stay with Mary --
even though it would bring him shame.
The angels were obedient to announce His birth --
even though it was to a lowly bunch of shepherds.
The shepherds were obedient to go and worship Him in the stable --
even though they were probably tired and had lots of work to do.
The Wise Men were obedient to follow that star --
even though it cost them untold amounts of time and money.
They Wise Men continued their obedience to not tell Herod of who the child was --
even though they were promised good things by him.
Joseph was obedient (again) to leave his home and move to Egypt --
even though he would be living in a foreign land.
Ordinary people -
being obedient to Him.
Ordinary people -
Not choosing sacrifice in place of obedience.
Ordinary people
choosing obedience that led to a pleasing sacrifice for Him.
This becomes my lesson this year:
Christmas 2012.
Me
being obedient
to Him.
Some years, it comes to me in a song lyric that I must have missed the million times I have listened before.
Other years, it's a line or theme from a Christmas movie that sticks with me.
Then, there are the years of a major life event that causes my view of Christmas to change yet again.
God has consistently changed the lens of how I view the Christmas story in so many different ways over the years.
I now look forward to how He will do it yet again in the weeks leading up the actual day.
This year was no different.
God has been dealing with me a lot about obedience lately.
There is this amazing verse in the Old Testament that has been rolling around my head. Saul (the king at the time) has taken what God had asked him to specifically do and changed it.
In Saul's eyes, it was just a little change.
In Saul's eyes, he was choosing something that he thinks God would want.
In Saul's eyes, he was exchanging obedience to God for a sacrifice to God.
God's reply is priceless as He speaks through the prophet, Samuel:
"Then Samuel said, "Is the LORD as delighted with burnt offerings and sacrifices as He would be with your obedience? To follow instructions is better than sacrifice. To obey is better than sacrificing the fat of rams." I Samuel 15:22
This morning when I was in church, I was reflecting on Christmas and wondering what God was going to show me this year. One word came to me: Obedience.
The Christmas story is a perfect example of
a bunch of ordinary people
being obedient
to Him.
Jesus was obedient to come to Earth --
even though it would make him human.
Mary was obedient to carry this child --
even though it would bring her shame.
Joseph was obedient to stay with Mary --
even though it would bring him shame.
The angels were obedient to announce His birth --
even though it was to a lowly bunch of shepherds.
The shepherds were obedient to go and worship Him in the stable --
even though they were probably tired and had lots of work to do.
The Wise Men were obedient to follow that star --
even though it cost them untold amounts of time and money.
They Wise Men continued their obedience to not tell Herod of who the child was --
even though they were promised good things by him.
Joseph was obedient (again) to leave his home and move to Egypt --
even though he would be living in a foreign land.
Ordinary people -
being obedient to Him.
Ordinary people -
Not choosing sacrifice in place of obedience.
Ordinary people
choosing obedience that led to a pleasing sacrifice for Him.
This becomes my lesson this year:
Christmas 2012.
Me
being obedient
to Him.
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